I have a lot of free time. I'm an actor. Not one of those, “I'm an actor...well actually I'm a waiter who hopefully one day will be an actor.” Those people are the true heroes. I'm the asshole who has a goofy look so commercial casting directors are like “He's hilarious...looking! Hire him!” I mean, I'll never be a movie star- Hollywood only has the capacity for one character actor every year (yay, J.K. Simmons! It only took Hollywood 20 years and 40 Farmer's Insurance ads to realize your talent). So, since my odds of being a movie star are the same as it is for black, Latino, and Asian actors (slim to none)- the joke is ultimately on me. When is being a white male going to benefit me in the fantasy world like it has in the real world? Anyway, as long as I'm booking these commercials I don't need another job which frees up my afternoons. I don't need another job because the money you get from commercials is asinine. I once was in a DiGiorno's spot where I was on screen for this long: one missis- DONE! I almost made 6-figures on that commercial. I don't deserve it for a second. But it's mine to waste as I choose. Yeah, the Fair's in August- I get it- but in acting, the fair NEVER COMES.
So, as I'm living “the dream” by being a working actor, I get pretty bored. So, I try and volunteer and teach and whatnot. I do it because giving back is truly important, but I'd be delusional if I didn't also do it because I don't know what else to do with my time. You can only watch so many episodes of Mad About You eat so many handfuls of Raisenets. When you sit around and do nothing you feel like you're wasting God's time. God, Buddha, your spirit animal- put you on this earth not just to sit around your crappy apartment all day wishing you were somewhere else. If I don't do something- I'll be just as worthless as when I'm on the set of a commercial. “Michael, they'll be shooting your 1 second clip for a product you could care less about in 8 hours, so just relax, grab some dried seaweed, relax, and let me know if you need anything.” Meanwhile, the crew is getting yelled at for not going fast enough. It's a mess. Welcome to Hollywood. Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba-ba (Farmer's theme song). Man, that's catchy. If these jingle-makers put their efforts into something actually useful for society, we wouldn't have to hear Michael Jackson's Heal The World for the millionth time. I've got nothing against MJ, but can we have a cool version of a quality social message instead of cool versions of people singing about “Face down, booty up” and “Baby I'm preying on you tonight.” Pitbull and Maroon 5- what a waste of talent.
I hate top 40 music with a passion. It was the original YouTube video. You know, something everyone watches because they're told they should? After you see it you're like “That was awful...but if everyone else liked it, maybe I should too.” And once you watched the video, your view is used as “proof” that it's popular. You can't take back a view on YouTube even if you hate it. 80 million views! Yeah, but it has 40 million thumbs down and 20 million sarcastic comments. Doesn't matter. 80 million views! Any publicity is good publicity. Right, Bill Cosby? Such bullshit. Why am I in this industry? I would sleep much easier at night if I was doing something valuable like teaching 5th graders. So why don't I quit? What, and leave entertainment up to the “Face down, booty up” people? Not a chance. I'm J.K. Simmons- thank you for your time!
